Wild Zero – Brief impressions of What May Be the Best Movie Ever!

So my pal Mikey and I went downtown on Fat Tuesday to observe what we hoped would be copious amounts of mammary delights. While said glands were in abundance, what I walked away from that night with was not a greater sense of accomplishment in the ancient art of Boob-Spotting, but instead an obsession with a movie that I only saw 3 minutes of while at a bar.

Hooray!

You see, while traipsing from one bar to the next we found ourselves in a seedy little place called The Jackalope. It is a nice place if you’re into the whole rockabilly, topless pin-up girl painting thing… so needless to say, I dug it. Throughout the bar itself are a myriad of televisions playing random movies and broadcasts. Within our view at the time, on one screen the Dallas Stars were tied with Vancouver and on the other Lee was explaining to a student to, “don't think. FEEL. It is like a finger pointing away to the moon. Do not concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

"...all that heavenwy gwowy."

After a couple o’ Beam and Coke’s I needed to step out on the back patio to have a smoke break… what I got instead were the greatest 3 minutes of my life!

Once we got out there, there was yet another set of TVs playing the same movie. We were at a distance so I couldn’t make out too many details, but it was clear that it was a Japanese film that was subtitled. But in those 3 brief minutes of cinematic glory, this is what we saw:

• Zombies
• Explosions
• Pompadours
• Drinking
• Hot Japanese chicks
• Leather
• Guitar Wolf on top of a building shouting “Rock and Roll!” while pulling a sword from the neck of his guitar so he could cut a UFO in two
• A bunch of greasers riding into the sunset with flame coming out of the exhaust of GW’s motorcycle
• The line, “he taught me courage and rock n’ roll.”

Three minutes. All of that. There are not words to express the degree of awesome that took place in that scant 3 minutes.

Now for those of you who do not know who Guitar Wolf is, he is the front man of the real band of the same name. I was introduced to this band’s music while in California about a year back and have been floored ever since. When watching the movie I didn’t make the connection that it was THE Guitar Wolf until I got home later that night. To give you an idea of what I’m talking about… here is a music video of theirs…

Okay… so now you have a frame of reference.

So later that night I go online and google “Courage and rock n roll” to find out what this movie was to which every page reference “Wild Zero.” Naturally my next step was Youtubing the trailer. What I got was… well… let’s just say it reaffirmed my belief that this could quite possibly be the best movie ever… see for yourself:

There are not words to describe the degree of AWESOME that this represents.

My next step was IMDB.com to get a little more info… once again I was taken aback as Guitar Wolf, Drum Wolf and Bass Wolf play themselves in the movie! So not only are they cutting UFOs in twain but they are doing it as their real world personas. Fucking Bad Ass!

Now like the title of this article dictates, this is an initial impressions piece… but hopefully soon I’ll have a proper review as soon as I get my copy of the movie from Amazon. Granted you may never see it as I may be moved to a state of fucking righteous excellence that I transcend this physical husk of mine and become a being of pure “RADICAL!”

Boat Police – A Retro/Introspective Look at a Cinematic Classic

“They’re cool, they’re hip, they’re fly, they’re fresh, THEY’RE THE BOAT POLICE!!”

“Boat Police” by The Spinleys

So began the theme song for the film that would rock America’s foundations… if it was ever made. It was the summer of ’95 when in an incredible bout of boredom, while staying at my grandparent’s place in Indiana, I sat down in the front room with a laptop that weighed 40 lbs and typed up the screenplay for the now legendary Boat Police feature film. One hundred and twenty epic pages later, it was complete but little did I know that it would prove to be my first and last feature I would ever write.

But what was Boat Police? It was more than an excuse to write a movie in the same vain as “Badasses Don’t Run,” no, it was an allegory for society in a world gone mad.

Furries – Proof that the world has gone stark raving bonkers.

For the uninitiated, Boat Police was an epic film about a trio of marine lawmen in a small town that has been overrun by drugs and corruption. Being that they were the black sheep of the police force, only THEY could go against the grain and bring peace to the town… and they drove a boat. Rick Hunter, Johnny Chicago and Val Cooper were the only thing that could bring down the nefarious forces of Mendoza and his cadre of thugs and criminals!

But there was so much more to it than that. When you look at the protagonists, you get a cross section of the chaos and order that society needs in order to stabilize. With our stalwart hero Rick Hunter we had a by the books, no nonsense cop who is initially emotionally distant until he gains and returns the affections of Lolita Mansfield (Mendoza’s ladyfan)… and in his attempts to bring her from the dark side, both characters change inversely to find a center for their beings, knowing that the other truly completed them.

Not Johnny Chicago… but “Johnny” from The Karate Kid as played by William Zabka.

With Johnny Chicago we had the opposite. Not at all dynamic, he starts as a rough and tumble, shoot first ask questions later ‘Merican and he ends that way. He represented the yin to Rick’s yang. Through their interactions the team attained a balance.

Finally with Val we had the team’s ballast. Val represented the everyman; a regular guy who tempered his love of recklessness and speed, with his desire for stability. Despite the polar opposition of Rick and Johnny and the balance that achieved, Val was the voice that maintained said balance.

In that trio, we find a statement of society that society needs. Temperance, chaos, order, balance; all things that we as a people must attain in order to grow and at the same time, stabilize.

Spinley’s front man: Seth Spinley.

“They protect the innocent, beat up the bad guys, drive really fast and they shoot guns too. And if you’re a crook and you cross their path you better watch out ‘cause they’re coming for YOU!”

-The chorus from “Boat Police” by The Spinleys

In that excerpt from the chorus, the expression of temperance in action as well as pursuit of growth is exemplified to a ‘T.’ Not only do they “protect the innocent” but they also “beat up the bad guys.” This displays the black and white nature of justice versus crime as perceived by the masses. Immediately after they “drive really fast and they shoot guns too.” “Too” as in “as well” with no descriptor of where they are driving or who they are shooting… this deviates from the black and white nature and introduces a chaotic gray area which is further accentuated by the fact that such acts as speeding and shooting could be construed as criminal behavior. Finally with “and if you’re a crook and you cross their path you better watch out ‘cause they’re coming for YOU” we get a clear message that despite the social observations of right and wrong, and despite the chaotic undertones of speeding and shooting, we get a clear and concise message as it pertains to their mission.

The innocent are protected… the criminals are punished… all through a means that is not as simple as black versus white.

It has been well over a decade since Boat Police was penned, but its message still rings true today. And really, at the end of the day, don’t we all want a little Boat Police inside each and every one of us?

It is tragic that this message never reached the masses, the message that only a trio of Boat Policemen’s struggle against a tyrannical drug lord can convey.

“…Look our criminals, run and hide, here come the boat poliiiiiiiice!”

“Boat Police” by The Spinleys

If more profound words were ever uttered… I don’t know what they are.

Cheers

~JD